I should explain something here. I LOVE to sell fresh fish, because I thoroughly enjoy fresh fish. We have a number of really exquisite preparations for our variety of fresh fish, and my good friend who was our CGM (Captain Grill Man) that day knows how to cook a fine fish. But some guests just come in and order ridiculous, obscene things. Like fried salmon. Who the hell wants fried salmon? Not only is it nasty tasting, it's nearly impossible to fry a good hunk of salmon properly so that it's both cooked through and not burnt. So I prepared to inform my guests that I was terribly sorry but they could not ask for preposterous fresh fish flavor-freakshows for their evening meal.
Have you ever been multitasking so hardcore that, in addition to all of the important stuff you're doing, three songs get stuck in your head at the same time? It's as though your attention is so divided that the division of attention becomes sentient, and like a supercharged comic-book amoeba begins an epic-mitosis such that you fear you may never focus on one thing again. But you don't care, because it's not hurting your game since you're so awesome. ...Maybe that's just me.
Anyway, I had three songs stuck in my head at the same time, and the third one was Jay-Z's "99 Problems (But a B**** Ain't One)". So when someone in the Alley asked me, "Yo, C-Man, can you believe we're out of fresh fish?" (silly newish server, of course I believe it), I couldn't help but respond, "Dude, I've got 99 problems, but fresh fish ain't one."
And it was true. I had something like 99 problems at that moment. Fifty were personal life issues, twenty two were professional concerns, eighteen were romantic strife, seven were guests, one was that I was hungry and wasn't getting out of there for another four hours, and one was that one of the other songs stuck in my head was the chicken dance. Not one of those problems was that we were out of fresh fish, because my good friend, I didn't really care. I was hungry but I wasn't craving cod.
And he burst into laughter. First he couldn't believe that I listened to rap music, which I found hilarious. But more importantly, he thought that would make a fun parody, and I had to agree. So I began composing a full-length parody as I walked around the restaurant. I dropped off food, refilled drinks, did my thing, and between trips I'd stop to jot down a few bars.
The result of that, my fun and faithful readers, is right here for your enjoyment (explicit version). It's a rough recording over the Jay-Z/Linkin Park remix, because it was fun and easy to record and I just don't have time for anything cooler than that. The lyrics are posted below for your convenience.
NOTE: EXPLICIT LYRICS
99 Problems (But Fresh Fish Ain't One)
Lyrics by Cal-L, 2-21-2012
If you’re havin’ seafood problems I feel bad for you, son.
I’ve got 99 problems but fresh fish ain’t one.
I got the food patrol on bad mood patrol
The whole restaurant’s ticked ‘cause we’re busy till close
Shrimpmongers who say they want me on my toes
I’ve seen it all, stupid, this ain’t my first rodeo
Running food till holes in my zapatos
So I’m celebrating the minute I cash out with dough
F*** shrimpmongers, you can keep your five percent, yo,
If you don’t like to tip, you can go to McDonald’s
You got beef with me, yo, order steak, mofo
I don’t play your games, I don’t give a s*** SO
Fat cats ask for everything one at a time
And pay for it in cash, can’t even leave me a dime, f***ers
I don’t know what you take me as
Or understand the patience it takes to serve your ***
So I’m sorry, we’re out of salmon. Fry your own cod, son
I got 99 problems but fresh fish ain’t one.
I’ve got 99 problems but fresh fish ain’t one.
If you’re havin’ seafood problems I feel bad for you, son.
I’ve got 99 problems but fresh fish ain’t one.
It’s the year 2012 and my nerves are raw
Right behind me, it’s a manager thinks she’s the law
I got two choices, y’all, put the tray down or
Bounce on the pedal, drop the food to my four (top)
I ain’t feelin’ a fight, I’ve been on since lunch
Plus I’ve got a few dollars and some time to munch
So I set the tray down and I look at her hard; I heard:
“Son do you know what I’m stopping you for?”
‘Cause I’m young and I’m hot and my food goes the same –
Do I look like a mind reader? I don’t know your boss games.
Am I gettin’ written up or should I guess some more?
“Well, you’ve got eight biscuits there for a table of four.
Let me see your salads, and please stop by the bar.
Are you carrying a check book on you? I know a lot of you are.”
I ain’t stoppin’ off for nil, all my guests’ drinks are filled.
“Do you mind if I take a look at table five’s bill?”
Well, my guests are cashin’ out and the other table is fine
And don’t worry, I know exactly why my guests are here to dine.
“Well, aren’t you sharp as a pin, you remember to drop napkins, get everything else for them?”
Yeah, I’ve got it all covered, and no thanks to you
So I’ma take this tray out and drop my food.
“We’ll see how smart you are when recertification comes.”
I’ve got 99 problems but fresh fish ain’t one.
I’ve got 99 problems but fresh fish ain’t one.
If you’re havin’ seafood problems I feel bad for you, son.
I’ve got 99 problems but fresh fish ain’t one.
Now, once upon a time not too long ago
I had this guest at the end of the night on the flo’
This is not a guest in the sense that I want him there
But a shrimpmonger, and trust me this dude was done rare
I tried to appease him, get him some bread,
Make it easy ‘cause some fools just love to be sleaze
You know the type, loud as a motor bike
But wouldn’t drop a quarter on the Turnpike
Only thing that’s gonna happen, he send his steak back in
He gonna be yappin all night to the captain
And there I go, tellin the CGM
My guest don’t know what medium well means again
Trying to get his meal comped, complains again
I don’t even care what he’s sayin’ again
Manager tried to stick me with the blame again
Written up because I talked plain again
All because this fool was haranguing him
Tryin’ to play a server like he’s saccharin
But ain’t nothing’ sweet ‘bout how this steak’s grilled, son
I’ve got 99 problems; your fresh fish ain’t one.
I’ve got 99 problems but fresh fish ain’t one.
If you’re havin’ seafood problems I feel bad for you, son.
I’ve got 99 problems but fresh fish ain’t one.
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